What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 01:38
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What are some very specific groups of people you just cannot stand?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Is it ethical for same-sex couples to raise children?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was scared of men, in general
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was 9 years of age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But ive been too sick for many years..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My family never makes their pension either.
My life is so biszare .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She wouldn,t have been !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She loved him until the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So whats the point in blame.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was seconnd youngest,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He knew the spot.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She married twice! .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I have no regrets .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i do to all so called friends.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I will be 64.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
All the time i was locked up.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We all went to grammer schools
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .